Things not to do whilst having Surgery

On a cool, sunny morning in 2009 is where our tale begins.

There I sat in a hospital bed, ECG sounding like a broken metronome (at least its an improvement on my mother's snoring) in the world's flimsiest hospital nightie, with my paper knickers on! I really don't like paper knickers, they make me itch!
Sorry,I'm going off topic slightly, Gareth, my other half, is singing "don't stick stickers on your paper knickers" as I write this. He is so sympathetic... On the plus side, at least the hospital bed was more comfortable then the Youth hostel bed in France the previous month!

Back to the story. I was in the hospital awaiting surgery to have a Reveal device fitted near my heart.
For anyone that doesn't know what a reveal device is, it's basically a USB stick that monitors your heart over a long period of time, by being placed under the skin near your heart. It comes with a control that you press when you feel something "odd" going on with your heart which saves the data, and this can be downloaded at the hospital. This enables the Cardiac consultant to help diagnose what is wrong by having lots of data to look at as opposed to the odd ECG that always seems to be done when your heart isn't playing up! Of course, this was before the Cambridge Analytical scandal, so who knows if any politicians are currently looking at my erratic heart rhythms, to try and get my vote.

Told you it looked like a USB stick!

I had been sat in the hospital bed from 8am in the morning, and was kindly provided with limited amounts of water. Now normally, I have to eat with my medication. Obviously with surgery you have to fast and this means I was starting to go slightly loopy at this stage, which might explain what happened during surgery...

They came for me (it sounds like a dystopian thriller when I put it like that, it wasn't, I promise) at 10:30 after the very classy morning TV show Jeremy Kyle finished. I remember the episode was about a guy sleeping with his cousin! And I thought I had problems... The guy that came to get me for the surgery looked like Chris Moyles, the former Radio 1 presenter. I did inform him of this, but he didn't seem overly impressed. He started picking on my holey socks which made me laugh. Although, I did think it was a bit unfair as I was laid on a trolley, so though I suppose he did have to drag me to my surgery, so its swings and roundabouts really.

When I got into the theatre, there was the surgeon called Mr A and his team, plus medical students. Why do I always get medical students? Love them or hate them you still can't hit them with a shovel.
This is where I learned a very important lesson. Local anaesthetic and I do not get along. Well, we do, it's just it doesn't like to flaming work. This was evident when he cut into me and I screamed at the top of my lungs, then said "Stop f***ing cutting me" when he didn't get the hint. Another dose of local anaesthetic and we were ready to go for round 2. I think I annoyed him by swearing at him, but I was in a lot of pain, so what I did next wasn't the best idea. He made the incision fine, no drama, or sarcastic comments, Mr A was probably glad of the peace and quiet by then. It didn't last. Mr A asked his assistant to pass the reveal device. For some strange reason as he was about to fit the device, I got the bright idea to shout "BZZZZZZT!" and he just about pooed himself. He said "Is everything okay Ruth?" and the smart ass in me replied "Its a game of Operation isn't it? Don't touch the sides." At which point all his team, and medical students started to snigger, despite the surgeon looking around disapprovingly.  Needless to say by the time he finished he was less then impressed, and handed me back to Chris Moyles' look alike. In fact in subsequent visit to the Cardiology Unit I have never seen him again...

So people next time you go for surgery don't try and give the Cardiac Surgeon a heart attack of his own! It never goes down too well, even if the students found it funny.

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